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Thanksgiving Jokes |
Maxine's Tips for Entertaining!
1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same
fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before
serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking !
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is
to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn
eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.
"How To Cook A Turkey"
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
~Robert Fulghum, Author of 'Words I Wish I Wrote'~
"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A
happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we
would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air.
Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the
sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would
smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with their imagination."
"The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven"
~ Jack Prelutsky ~
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and
burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing; they are already stuffed.
Is turkey soup good for your health?
Not if you're the turkey.
Why did the turkey bolt down his food?
Because she was a gobbler.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To show that he wasn't chicken.
Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.
Or, as the mother turkey said to her daughter as she wolfed down her
meal, "Don't gobble your food."
Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?
Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of
them, and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving.
As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated,
"Foiled again."
What do turkeys like to do on sunny days?
Go to peck-nics!
How are a Turkey, a Donkey, and a Monkey the same?
They all have keys!
What happened to the turkey whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
He was tickled to death!
What do you get when youcross a turkey with a centipede?
A drumstick for everybody!
What kind of weather does a turkey like?
Fowl weather!
What side of the turkey is the left side?
The part that wasn't eaten!
What do you call a bunch of turkeys playing football?
Fowl play!
Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English.
Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.
Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?
Because it's a-gobblin.
Thanksgiving is a time when turkeys turn from gobblers to gobblees.
Why did the turkey go to the movie?
To see Gregory Peck!
What do you get if you cross a turkey with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!
Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English.
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.
Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty-eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving
dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma,
Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the
food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,
"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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Happy Thanksgiving from Spike & Jamie |
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